Re: Daniel
As a Chartered Clinical Psychologist I was asked by Harmony Devon
to assess this new resident on 21-10-03 using a battery of three
psychometric tests that form part of the usual initial psychological
assessment interview with all new residents.
After 20 minutes I brought his assessment interview to a close
because of the intense distress manifested by the resident in response
to the request to describe his recent emotional state (using the
BDI-II).
In my clinical opinion he exhibited symptomology concommittant with
that expected for someone in a psychotic state.
He was linguistically incoherent, with rapidly shifting and abrupt
changes in mood states, striking changes of tone and expressive style
within very short time periods.
He showed extreme muscular spasms and impaired limb co-ordination.
Repeatedly throughout the interview he seemed to experience marked
dissociative states and frequently appeared amnesic for the preceding
3-4 minutes of the assessment.
In reading his written self-assessment form completed shortly
before this interview, there was clear indicationof irrational
thoughts, persecutory fantasies, grandiosity of self-view.
Wittgenstein / Newton
. .
.\--.
action .-\-. reaction
.--\.
. .
It's not the words, it's the music.
[meaning is use, form of life, to follow a rule]
Information
I was picking up too much information. It was coming at me
from all angles; even the sky was talking. I was losing touch
with reality. My mind throbbed.
Different rules now. There is no longer any distinction between
fact and fiction. It is all just information. Chaotic, in a state of
flux. Always changing, on the move.
Many universes
Here is the boundary problem. How do I bring my universe into
agreement/harmony with yours ? [partial differential equations, fields
of force, relationships, communication]
What planet am I on ?
I invent a game. Try and work out which planet you are on by feeling
the weight of your feet in your shoes. Now figure out what sort of
animal you are by looking at how far down it is to the ground. Now set
your boundarys and breathing accordingly. Get it right and
transactions with people and things become lovely and graceful.
I take this game literally. Kind of like I am in Star
Trek. Beam me up Scottie. [what is taking x literally ?]
What is awareness ?
I write this down on my way in to treatment. Awareness is the
process of bringing my world into harmony with my values. My world is
my experience. My experience is my mind.
Pay attention
If I am talking to myself then I fail to notice my experience.
Isolation
Put into isolation a person will self destruct. Plug that person
back into the system, the matix, the universe and they will
develop. The more useful connections they make the more they develop.
Fighter Pilots
I am standing on a hill overlooking Dartmoor with another addict. His eyes sparkle with recovery. The sky, the landscape, the good vibrations. The view to the left and the right mirror each other perfectly. Our bubble is burst by two fighter jets. They fly over heads at 500 feet. Everything goes into slow motion. My demonization of the military evaporates. The aircraft flow thru' the atmoshpere like sharks swimming in the sea. These man-machines are not the enemy. They are here to *protect* our freedom; to preserve this land from facism. I can see the pilots. One of them smiles at us and gives us the thumbs up. We are home. Time has melted away. I am experiencing "video vision".
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Paranoia
The country is ravaged by civil war. I have escaped from the
ring and am now working for the resistence. My body carrys
vital information about the enemy. My presence at Harmony places the
institution in grave danger. [ the matrix, star wars, salems lot,
polarizing experience, trauma, body memorys ]
Different points of view
I am unable to complete the assessment form (see above). I have
done the front page but not the reverse. This upsets me a
lot. Jonathon (a Harmony councillor) says is there a way to see this
form as complete as it is ? He picks it up and rolls it into a
cylinder. I get the message.
If I were to pick one moment as a turning point in my recovery then
this would be it.
Time travels in loops
Harmony is an information portal. I have a brochure for the Rivendell Buddhist Retreat center in my pocket. I give
this to a member of staff (Jonathon). The information goes back in
time and is used to help create Harmony. What goes around comes
around.
How big am I ?
As I experiment with my boundarys I feel like the character in
Guliver's Travels. Sometimes I am too big and need to be pinned down
else I may hurt someone. At other times I am so small that noone can
see me. The Maudlsey gave me three pills in a big box just before I
came to Harmony. My life has become Alice in Wonderland.
Asking for help
I am woken up by a nightmare. Rather than lie frozen with fear I
decide to go downstairs and ask for help. The night staff are lovely;
they make me a glass of milk and I just sit with them until I feel
safe again. [I call this a corrective experience.]
Trivial Pursuit
We are playing Trivial Pursuit. I am still in psychosis. I imagine
that we are all gods and the answers that we give are going to
determine the shape of an entire universe. Sort of like Hitch Hicker's
Guide to the Galaxy. I have to get the correct answers. But this is
the one activity that I never bothered to get any good at. I spent my
time desperatly studying mathematical physics. Doh !
Top secret
Working as an inter-galactic informer I pass to someone a book,
Drama of the gifted child by Alice Miller. This powerfull stuff must
not fall into enemy hands.
Who is my Daddy ?
We are doing a group. Fifteen people sat in a circle. I am trying
to figure out which ones are my parents. It could be any of of
them. Physical time has fragmented. I am operating in information time
(or story time). [transactional analysis]
What is behind the door ?
Twice I am asked to go upstairs (by who ?!) and walk to the end of
the corridor and go thru' the door at the end. The door is made of
glass and I can see my reflection as I walk towards it. Things are
totally wierd ! The fear is telling me that if I go thru' the
door I will drop off a cliff and die. I walk thru' the door. No sudden
death. I feel a sense of trust in something, a calmness and a
release. [coen brothers]
Which ones are the patients ?
I am trying to solve a problem. Which people are the staff and
which people are the patients ? I can see it on people's faces. We are
all in recovery. We are all in the same boat. Over time each of us
will have a go at everything. [noahs ark, rebirth]
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The therapist is a horse
I am taken to meet Warwick the horse. This big animal looks me in
the eye. I don't know why but after a few minutes
talking with Warwick I feel a bit better. Nature heals !
Send it back or pass it on
I am in treatment to seperate from my parents. I need to have a
sort out and decide which things belong in the past and which belong in
the future. Organise my experience. Draw a line. Send it back or pass it on.
Inter galactic portal
I have come back from travelling thru' many worlds. My body
contains memories. Layers of experience. I unload these in
treatment.
Organising my world
I am learning how to organise my world in order to support
myself. I put photos of my family by my bed. I put a photo of myself
with a happy face inside my wallet. I put my purple dinosuar under an
oak tree. [information, time travel, shrines]
Smalltalk
During treatment I get a lot from smalltalk with the kitchen staff
and the cleaners. (This is every bit as valuable as therpay/groups.) A chat about the
weather alerts me to a bizarre coincidence that took place one
Thursday evening in late August 2003. A quater of London shut down by
a power cut, a massive rain storm after a long hot spell and me caught
up in all this whilst on a mission to get to my Buddhist group or
else...[magnolia]
Boundarys and balance
I have needs/wants and the universe has needs/wants. We have to
figure out how to get along. If I deny my reality (be too small) or
impose my reality on others (be too big) we suffer. I need to find
balance. Where to draw the line.
One is enough !
For some reason I take a book that I have had for twelve years but
never read into treatment with me, The languages of art by Nelson
Goodman. It starts with a quote:- Art is not a copy of the real
world. One of the damn things is enough already.
Get organised
My state of mind is the state of my fridge, my bedroom, my stuff. If I
order and structure my world then my mind will follow. It goes both ways.
Learning from experience
The universe oscillates between harmony and disonance. You can't make an
omellete without breaking eggs. But we can learn from experience. This
is why life exists - to learn. [entropy, time's arrow]
Non harm
What is the point of life ? Simple, non
harm. Simply relax and allow the universe (that includes me) to
unfold itself. It takes faith to let go of control.
The way it is
The universe organises itself like this. Harmony and disonance. Tension and
release. Growth and decay. Addiction and recovery. Beaty and horror. One gigantic dialectical process watching itself as it struggles to survive.
Beginnings and endings
Beginnings and endings are important. How we enter a room. The
first page of a book. Birth and death. I am transported to and from
Harmony by good friends. (I now understand the saying you know who your
friends are when you are in trouble.)
I take an old lady for walk around the grounds. This simple act
really helps me a lot.
A time and a place
There is a time and a place for everything. Different systems have
diffent needs. The medicine room is tightly controlled. Play outside
is very loose with few rules; games emerge and change and fade
away. [wittgenstein on language games]
Meow
There woman is teaching people to behave like different kinds of
animal. I become a cat and curl up on the floor in front of the
window. The sun is shining on my back. Nice ! Playing at being an
animal helps to get me in touch with my body's needs.
Communication
I observe people communicating. The good communicators flip
fluently between different ego states - parent, adult and child -
using whatever works in order to get the information across. Sometimes
being a bit of an animal does the job :-).
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